Editing Logs
Eliminating Pesky Mistakes Brought from High School to College
Gun Control Paper
Editing Log:
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Assignment: Aristotelian Classical Argumentative on the Topic Gun Violence in America
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Principle: The headliner is still wordy. You can reduce it like “by gun control in America” (Wordy).
Original: “Provoked by the effect gun control has on America…”
Revision: “Provoked by gun control in America…”
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Principle: Narration sentence 1, was the essay in response to some event? You want an event to establish the context. For example, was the date related to a dramatic mass shooting which made the person have an essay. You introduce the part then the next sentence you clarify the circumstance surrounding it.
Original: “On July 1, 1998, Robert Singh, member of the Department of Politics at Birkbeck, countered Jeremy Putley’s, ‘The Moral Vacuum and the American Constitution’ in his provocative essay, ‘Gun Control in America.’”
Revision: “On July 1, 1998, Robert Singh, member of the Department of Politics at Birkbeck, countered Jeremy Putley’s, ‘The Moral Vacuum and the American Constitution’ in his provocative essay, ‘Gun Control in America’ to respond to the increased level of violent crime within the decade and attempted/completed assassinations of presidents in America.”
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Principle: The sentence does not clarify the context to the event. Was there a large controversy which brought the subject into the spotlight (ref)?
Original: “In Singh’s response, it is transparent to him “that Putley’s attack on the Second Amendment is misleading” (290).
Revision: “Although Putley blames these violent acts on the Second Amendment, Singh’s resolution to the increased level of violent crime called for Americans to ‘increase modest institutional reforms and public education’ (289).”
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Principle: If you do not mention the name of the expert you have to put the name in the citation along with the page number (P).
Original: “...since the passage of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968 (290).”
Revision: “since the passage of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968 (Singh 290).”
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Principle: You can condense your point by not needing to have this part (wordy).
Original: “...as we deserve the right to protect ourselves from criminals and the state.”
Revision: “...as we deserve the right to protect ourselves.”
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Principle: You would use “Supports of gun control believe…” The reason for this is because the narration is supposed to format the situation in the context of your topic.
Original: “The critics of Singh’s stance believe in…”
Revision: “The supporters of gun control believe in…”
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Principle: You want to be specific saying “Critics of gun control believe…” Would be the format if you are con gun control.
Original: “The supporters of Singh’s stance believe…”
Revision: “Critics of gun control believe…”
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Principle: You can introduce to avoid using a vague pronoun “this” by using “Today many citizens target…” (wordy).
Original: “This view remains present today with many targeting…”
Revision: “Today, many citizens target…”
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Principle: Narration Sentence 3 includes ambiguous formatting when citing in MLA (awk).
Original: “Today, many American legislators target the Second Amendment even though ‘[they] have regularly introduced bills on firearms in successive sessions of the US Congress and also in state legislators’ since the passage of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968 (Singh 290).”
Revision: “Today, many American legislators target the Second Amendment since the passage of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968 even though ‘[they] have regularly introduced bills on firearms in successive sessions of the US Congress and also in state legislators’ (Singh 290).”
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Principle: Narration Sentence 3 has disrupted coherence with citizens to state legislators (coh).
Original: “Today, many citizens…”
Revision: “Today, many American legislators…”
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Principle: Last Sentence Narration, remove “as we deserve the right to protect ourselves” (Wordy).
Original: “What critics do not understand is that cancelling the Second Amendment and tightening restrictions will increase the fragility of Americans as we deserve the right to protect ourselves.”
Revision: “What supporters do not understand is restricting the Second Amendment will endanger Americans.”
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Principle: First and Second sentences are not strong enough to promote the case and context of the event (Dev).
Original: “On July 1, 1998, Robert Singh, member of the Department of Politics at Birkbeck, countered Jeremy Putley’s, ‘The Moral Vacuum and the American Constitution’ in Singh’s provocative essay, ‘Gun Control in America,’ to respond to the increasing level of violent crime in the 1990s. Although Putley blames these violent acts on the Second Amendment, Singh’s resolution to the increased level of violent crime calls for Americans to “increase modest institutional reforms and public education” (289).
Revision: “On May 4, 1992, the debate on whether the Second Amendment should be restricted precipitated from the Los Angeles Riots of 1992. This six-day riot consisting of ‘malice and a wish to loot’ (Putley 71) alarms Jeremy Putley, author of ‘The Moral Vacuum and the American Constitution,’ blaming the violence on the Second Amendment, but Robert Singh, member of the Department of Politics at Birkbeck and author of ‘Gun Violence in America,’ claims, ‘increased modest institutional reforms and public education’ (289) is the proper response to the anarchy present in America.
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Principle: Sentence one is repetitive and wordy (Wordy).
Original: “On May 4, 1992, the debate on whether the Second Amendment should be restricted precipitated from the Los Angeles Riots of 1992.”
Revision: “On May 4, 1992, The Los Angeles Riots precipitated the debate on whether the Second Amendment should be restricted in America.”
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Principle: Sentence two is missing commas for apositive (P)
Original: “This six-day riot consisting of “malice and a wish to loot” (Putley 71) alarms Jeremy Putley…”
Revision: “This six-day riot, consisting of “malice and a wish to loot” (Putley 71), alarms Jeremy Putley…”
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Principle: Sentence two is consists of faulty agreement between verb and noun (agr)
Original: “...blaming the violence on the Second Amendment…”
Revision: “...who blames the violence on the Second Amendment…”
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Principle: Concession/Refutation: Scholarly Source 2 for refutation does not specify “victims” (dev)
Original: “...rather, with more gun restrictions, victims will have less to defend themselves against perpetrators.”
Revision: “...rather, greater gun restrictions offer victims less to defend themselves against perpetrators in U.S. society.”
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Principle: Refutation: Support 2 Sentence 8 is awkward and long. Make it concise (awk).
Original: “The legal process of owning a gun already requires extensive background checks to verify an American citizen’s morality, so, rather than guaranteeing, legal gun owners earn the entitlement to private ownership of firearms to protect themselves.”
Revision: “Rather than receiving, legal gun owners earn entitlement to privately own firearms for protection in U.S. society because the legal process of owning a gun requires extensive background checks to verify an American citizen’s morality.”
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Principle: Summation Sentence 3 question is not effective means to deliver your point. Be more explicit and clear (ref).
Original: “Would you rather witness law-abiding, small business owners protect and preserve their foundation with firearms, or would you rather witness law-abiding, small business owners exploited devastatingly by criminals because they have no effective means to defend their property?”
Revision: “Withdrawing the legal access to firearms during the riots would have resulted in law-abiding, small business owners being exploited devastatingly by looters because they would have no effective means to protect and preserve their foundation.”
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Principle: The entire Refutation/Concession must include transitional phrases before addressing each opponent/proponent (coh).
Original: ‘Renée Lerner, research professor of law at George Washington University Law School and author of ‘The Second Amendment and the Spirit of the People,’ argues,...”
Revision: “Another gun control opponent, Renée Lerner, research professor of law at George Washington University Law School and author of ‘The Second Amendment and the Spirit of the People,’ argues,...”
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Principle: Conclusions for all Refutation should change the transition, “Given the analyzed research...” (W)
Original: “Given the analyzed research, restricting the Second Amendment will strip US citizens from the legal means to defend themselves.”
Revision: “Clearly, restricting the Second Amendment will strip US citizens from the legal means to defend themselves.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Prewriting for Gun Control Topic
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Principle: Step 2 “Respectively” is wrong word choice (W)
Original: My purpose is to respectively express those who think differently that I am correct in my opinion that gun control should remain less strict.
Revision: My purpose is to convince those who think differently that I am correct in my opinion that gun control should remain less strict.
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Principle: Step 3 “implementing laws” is vague (dev).
Original: Finally, implementing laws merely serve a politician’s agenda and are ultimately rendered futile for the safety of the public.
Revision: Finally, implementing gun control laws merely serve a politician’s agenda and are futile for the safety of the public.
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Principle: Step 1 sentence 2 does not clarify what your “perspective” is? (ref)
Original: Those who share my perspective can also be my audience, but this paper is not designed to reinforce confirmation biases; rather it is designed to reinforce formerly held beliefs.
Revision: Those who share my perspective that gun control should be left untouched can also be my audience, but this paper is not designed to reinforce confirmation biases; rather it is designed to reinforce formerly held beliefs.
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Principle: Step 2 “in my opinion that” can be reduced to be more concise (Wordy). I.e. “in believing…”
Original: My purpose is to respectfully convince those who think differently that I am correct in my opinion that gun control should remain less strict.
Revision: My purpose is to respectfully convince those who think differently that I am correct in believing gun control should remain less strict.
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Principle: Step 3 “The Constitution” should clarify which one. More than one country has a constitution (ref).
Original: Second, the Second Amendment of The Constitution protects individual gun ownership to preserve the security of a free state.
Revision: Second, the Second Amendment of The Constitution of the United States protects individual gun ownership to preserve the security of a free state.
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Principle: Step 3 “attacks” but you need which kind like “guns related one” (ref).
Original: Third, citizens will become more vulnerable and susceptible to harm from attacks.
Revision: Third, citizens will become more vulnerable and susceptible to harm from gun-related attacks.
Suggested Edits for Gun Control Pro/Con Reading Journals:
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Suggested Edits: Mentor Robert
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You missing the period after the citation on the key quote.
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Unity “considerably” is not needed (Wordy).
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Unity “our nation’s” is vague. Which nation are you talking (Ref).
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Body sentence 2 “with his stated issue” does not seem to fit and confuses the sentence (awk) (Wordy).
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Conclusion mirrors the unity key words and does not add new details and information. New information belong in the body of the paragraph.
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Suggested Edits: Mentor Robert
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Unity “ we have in regulating gun control and how it is preventing laws that can improve our security from being passed.” should be specific on what the article will talk about. In your case “the disparity between American citizens who want less gun restrictions and the American citizens who want more mental health care” (Dev). The first sentence of the body with recast language may be used.
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Body sentence 2 missing citation (P).
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Body sentence 3 “He” should say the name to avoid vague pronoun reference (ref).
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Body sentence 3 “ He supports his claim acknowledging” can have a smoother transition (coh).
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Body sentence 4 “Rather, policymakers should focus on uniting the subjects as they are both theorized to be the solution to mass shootings“ needs to clarify that the claim is Smith’s instead of the claim looking like yours (coh).
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Avoid “there is/are” filler words. There is one in Body sentence 5 (Wordy)
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Body sentence 5 is missing a citation (P).
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Body sentence 6 the sentence is repetition because of “By” being repeated and you can fix this by adding an introductory phrase that adds parallelism (Wordy).
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Coherence “they” is wordy and not needed (Wordy).
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Coherence “can” is passive. You want to use assertive language.
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Coherence “than merely opting for one.” is not needed in the sentence (Wordy).
Black Lives Matter Paper
Editing Log:
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Assignment: Aristotelian Classical Argumentative on Topic BLM: Is America a Post-Racial Society?
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Principle: Intro Reason/Support 3 feels vague (dev).
Original: “...the majority of Black Lives Matter protests—co-opted by domestic terrorist groups—result in racial divisiveness, not unity, in US society.”
Revision: “...the majority of Black Lives Matter protests—co-opted by domestic terrorist groups—advocate violence, not peace, in US society.”
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Principle: Opponents Main Claim in intro feels vague (dev).
Original: “Although proponents claim Black Lives Matter eradicates US society’s continuous racial tendencies,...”
Revision: “Although proponents claim Black Lives Matter combats against the racial inequality and injustice in US Society,...”
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Principle: Hook needs to be more concise (Wordy)
Original: “Alarmed by current violent racial protests in United States (US) society…”
Revision: “Alarmed by violent racial protests in United States (US) society…”
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Principle: Bridge is awkward and must not include semicolon (awk).
Original: “Nix suggests the mayhem and anarchy present in US society responding to the apparently unjustified murders of black lives is aggrandized and fueled by impulse; rather, US citizens must educate themselves and understand both sides when confronted with police violence.”
Revision: “Nix eschews mayhem and anarchy in US society apparently due to unjustified murders of black lives deeming it aggrandized and impulsive.”
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Principle: Reason/Support 1 of Intro can be condensed, and you diminish the strength of your verb (Wordy) (W)
Original: “the majority of all police violent acts are void of racial motives…”
Revision: “the majority of police interactions disavow racial motives…”
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Principle: In Narration, remove all “essentially.” It promotes a weaker claim and is unnecessary (Wordy)
Original: “...is alarmed by the violent protests, essentially claiming, ‘the protests are [overreaching]... [a]t some events, protestors carried guns’ (1).”
Revision: “...is alarmed by the violent protests, claiming, ‘the protests are [overreaching]... [a]t some events, protestors carried guns’ (1).”
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Principle: Remove comma in Concession/Refutation Scholarly Source 2 (P).
Original: “...Cory Booker, US Senator, claims, the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act…”
Revision: “...Cory Booker, US Senator, claims that the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act…”
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Principle: Narration sentence “We need…” requires specifying “damage” as it is vague (dev).
Original: “We need to end the violent protests to eliminate the unwavering disparity among US citizens and, with empathy, listen to all US citizens affected by the damage.”
Revision: “We need to end the violent protests to eliminate the unwavering disparity among US citizens and, with empathy, listen to all US citizens affected by the damaging racial injustice.”
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Principle: Refutation 1 includes sentence that can be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “Nix asserts many violent police interactions are deliberate because either the perpetrator was resisting, or the perpetrator was perceived as an imminently deadly threat; thereby justifying the police’s exertion of force on US offenders.”
Revision: “Nix asserts many violent police interactions are deliberate because either the perpetrator was resisting, or the perpetrator was perceived as an imminently deadly threat.”
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Principle: Refutation 2 includes a long quote. Try to keep it to the point and concise (Wordy)
Original: “...claiming, ‘Driggers has made efforts to reach out to minorities with cookouts and community discussions. According to Ed Bryant, chapter president of the North Charleston NAACP, improved relations between the Black community and police since Driggers took his post could be observed (Otis et al., 2015). Summey, according to Councilwoman Dorothy ‘Dot’ Williams, ‘regularly shows up at black churches—at Royal Baptist, Charity Baptist and Mt. Moriah Baptist—because he prefers ‘the old-time, kick-down music’’” (1).
Revision: “...claiming, ‘Driggers has made efforts to reach out to minorities with cookouts and community discussions. According to Ed Bryant, chapter president of the North Charleston NAACP, improved relations between the Black community and police since Driggers took his post could be observed (Otis et al., 2015)’ (1).”
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Principle: Refutation 3 includes a long sentence. Keep it concise (Wordy).
Original: “With protests designed to be peaceful, US protesters who are attacking police officers and destroying properties are inadvertently stimulating imbalance in US society between all individuals rather than stimulating growth.”
Revision: “With protests designed to be peaceful, US protesters who are attacking police officers and destroying properties are inadvertently stimulating regression in US society rather than stimulating growth.”
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Principle: Summation final sentence needs to be either removed or elaborated on. Vague. (ref).
Original: “US citizens must be patient and remain vigilant.”
Revision: “US citizens must be patient and remain vigilant against the apparent racism and understand other US citizens are standing in solidarity with the Black Community.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Kendi’s, How to be an Antiracist Reading Journal
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Principle: Last sentence of adequate development/body has poor framing and passive language (awk)
Original: “According to Kendi, by moving past this struggle can we grow closer to equality.”
Revision: “According to Kendi, America’s realization of these transparent struggles will grant a new light closer to equality.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 2 intro can be more concise (Wordy).
Original: “One of Kendi’s main points is we…”
Revision: “Kendi argues we...”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Reading Journal on CBS Interview with Ibram X. Kendi
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Principle: Body sentence 3 requires comma splice as you are transitioning into an independent clause (CS)
Original: “...when Kendi perceives ‘something’s wrong with our criminal justice system’ because ‘to say there is something wrong with any group of people... is to express a racist idea.’”
Revision: “...when Kendi perceives ‘something’s wrong with our criminal justice system,’ because ‘to say there is something wrong with any group of people... is to express a racist idea.’”
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Principle: Body Sentence 4 has faulty verb and noun agreement with “killing” (agr).
Original: “According to Kendi, police officers are meant to de-escalate the situation in the face of violence rather than killing the perpetrator…”
Revision: “According to Kendi, police officers are meant to de-escalate the situation in the face of violence rather than kill the perpetrator…”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Pro #1 on Police Brutality in America
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Principle: Incorrect word choice in Sentence 3 of Body (W)
Original: “To promote his stance…”
Revision: “To support his stance…”
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Principle: Sentence 4 of Body includes unnecessary words for opener (wordy)
Original: “From his findings, Nix discovers…”
Revision: “His findings reveal…”
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Principle: Inappropriate word choice in Body Sentence 6 that also throws off coherence (W)/(coh).
Original: “Considering this event, Nix found…”
Revision: “Considering this event, Nix argues…”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Con #1 Police Brutality in America Reading Journal
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Principle: Unity sentence lacks the proper development to begin your journal. You must include what is at stake/topic (ref).
Original: “Kendi, a leading anti-racist scholar, exposes America’s countless unjust acts led by their own legal system against Black Americans and demands that America’s critical thinkers ‘[kill] the post-racial myth and [confess] racism’ (1).”
Revision: “Given the question, ‘[i]s America a post-racial society?’ Ibram X. Kendi argues, ‘[i]n these high-profile cases, it is not just police officers who are on trial. America is on trial. Either these deaths are justified, and therefore America is just, or these deaths are unjustified, and America is unjust’ (1).”
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Principle: Body Sentence 3 lacks the proper development. Who is Castile? What happened?
Original: “To promote his credibility, Kendi introduces an event of police brutality: the tragedy of Philando Castile.”
Revision: “To promote his credibility, Kendi introduces an event of police brutality: the tragedy of Philando Castile, a Black American father riding in a car with his daughter who witnessed his murder.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Pro #2 Police Brutality in America Reading Journal
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Principle: Sentence three needs not the semicolon as it disrupts flow of idea (P).
Original: “...Greene further expressed the importance to peacefully assemble before the curfew; rather than the police being held liable for harm, the people will be held liable.”
Revision: “...Greene further expressed the importance to peacefully assemble before the curfew. If people disobey the curfew, they will be held liable for the police to exert force.”
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Principle: Conclusion Sentence is not coherent with your main idea. “Police violence” disrupts your idea (coh).
Original: “...as the police violence is dealt by the people’s hands.”
Revision: “...because failure to follow the proper mandates will result in the police authorizing force against protestors.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Con #3 Reading Journal on Police Brutality in America
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Principle: Sentence 1 of Body is vague. Which act? (ref)
Original: “Jordan desires reform, but this act will…”
Revision: “Jordan desires reform, but the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act will…”
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Principle: Conclusion can be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “In conclusion, Jordan essentially claims it is important to reform the police progressively…”
Revision: “In conclusion, Jordan asserts the importance in reforming the police progressively...”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Pro #4 Reading Journal on BLM
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Principle: Body Sentence 7 needs specifying on what companies are acting on (dev).
Original: “...Solomon asserts empathy is growing transparency in US society with many companies now acting.”
Revision: “...Solomon asserts empathy is growing transparency in US society with many companies now acting on the racial struggles in US society.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Con #6 Reading Journal on BLM
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Principle: Body sentence 4 “has” is unnecessary (Wordy)
Original: “Kirkwood asserts BLM has misconstrued the purpose…”
Revision: “Kirkwood asserts BLM misconstrued the purpose…”
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Editing Log
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Assignment: Con #7 Reading Journal on BLM
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Principle: Last body sentence has too long of a headliner (wordy).
Original: “To support her credibility that US citizens have grown more empathetic…”
Revision: “In an effort to exemplify US citizens’ empathy for minorities,...”
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Trumpism vs. Globalism Paper
Editing Log:
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Assignment: Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric on Trumpism vs. Globalism in Response to Stephen Miller’s Immigration Agenda
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Principle: Introduction Bridge sentence “diminishes” is wrong verb tense (T)
Original: “Blitzer suggests Miller’s overbearing immigration policies diminishes the globalist approach…”
Revision: “Blitzer suggests Miller’s overbearing immigration policies diminish the globalist approach…”
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Principle: Refutation 1: Scholarly Source 1 sentence uses wrong word choice (W)
Original: “With Miller snatching migrant children from their families…”
Revision: “With Miller snatching immigrant children from their families…”
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Principle: Refutation 3: Scholarly Source 3 is missing a preposition connecting Miller to US citizens (awk)
Original: “Miller is able to convince many US citizens the false dangers and destruction associated with immigration…”
Revision: “Miller is able to convince many US citizens of the false dangers and destruction associated with immigration…”
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Principle: Last sentence of summation can be restructured to flow smoother (awk)
Original: “US citizens must recognize political abusers and take action against blatantly inhumane legislation against immigrants, much like young Latino American leader, Emma González, and allow US society to progress with all individuals standing together.”
Revision: “Much like young Latino American leader, Emma González,US citizens must recognize political abusers and take action against blatantly inhumane anti-immigration legislation and allow US society to progress with all individuals standing together.”
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Principle: Last sentence of Summation can further be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “Much like young Latino American leader, Emma González,US citizens must recognize political abusers and take action against blatantly inhumane anti-immigration legislation and allow US society to progress with all individuals standing together.”
Revision: “Much like young Latino American leader, Emma González, US citizens must recognize political abusers and take action against blatantly inhumane anti-immigration legislation to progress US society forward with all individuals standing together.”
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Principle: Last sentence of Confirmation is too wordy and needs to be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “Just as Blitzer suggests Miller’s anti-immigration policies being unified through campaigning and governing on the issue, the path to a democratic US society requires its citizens to inquire when posed with unethical anti-immigration legislation fueling the white nationalist tendencies apparent in Trumpism.”
Revision: “Just as Blitzer suggests Miller’s anti-immigration policies perpetuates Trumpism, US society requires its citizens to inquire when posed with unethical anti-immigration legislation to maintain democratic reasoning.”
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Principle: Last sentence of Scholarly Source 1 Concession can be condensed and needs more development on your point; vague (Wordy) (dev)
Original: “Instead, Miller focuses on providing the best interests for US society through his agenda according to Miroff and Dawsey.”
Revision: “Instead, Miller protects US society’s economic and national security interests through his agenda according to Miroff and Dawsey.”
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Principle: Last sentence in Scholarly Source 2 Concession can be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “Green asserts Miller’s approach with anti-immigration policies will positively impact marginalized…”
Revision: “Green asserts Miller’s anti-immigration policies will positively impact marginalized…”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Con #1 on Trumpism vs. Globalism
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Principle: Topic sentence does not need “author of” (Wordy)
Original: “...professor of philosophy at Georgetown University and author of “Noncognitivist Trumpism: Partisanship and Political Reasoning,” claims…”
Revision: “...professor of philosophy at Georgetown University and in “Noncognitivist Trumpism: Partisanship and Political Reasoning,” claims…”
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Principle: Second Sentence of Body “manner” is incorrect word choice (W)
Original: “...Richardson asserts the destructive manner of shoutcome orientation refers to…”
Revision: “...Richardson asserts the destructive nature of shoutcome orientation refers to…”
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Principle: Body 5 is awkward and can be condensed (Wordy).
Original: “Additionally, without inviting a potentially reasoned process of reaching a compromise…”
Revision: “Additionally, without inviting a reasoned compromise…”
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Principle: Body sentence 7 feels like a repeat of the previous sentence (Wordy)
Original: “Richardson asserts Miller’s flawed approach to policy implementation frustrates collective reasoning, thereby ‘[leaving] reasoning wholly behind, giving us lots of speech, but remarkably few assertions and, a fortiori, almost no arguments’ (1).”
Revision: “Richardson asserts Miller’s flawed approach to policy implementation frustrates collective reasoning by offering no room for arguments.”
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Principle: Avoid using quotes in conclusion (awk).
Original: “In conclusion, Richardson suggests US citizens cannot rule democratically unless they can “reason with one another both publicly and via the institutions of government” (1)
Revision: “Clearly, Richardson suggests US citizens cannot rule democratically because policy advisers like Stephen Miller are manipulating people’s reasoning.”
10 Key Terms Exam Orals
Editing Log:
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Assignment: 10 Key Term Midterm Exam Orals
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Principle: Last sentence of intro needs to relate to how your phrase is important to ENG 2105 specifically (dev).
Original: “When constructing an argument, there must be an excluded middle.”
Revision: “When constructing an argument in ENG 2105, there must be an excluded middle.”
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Principle: First sentence of para 2 needs comma before “Written Reasoning” because it is an appositive (CS)
Original: “In the semester course of ENG 2105 Written Reasoning, the required text…”
Revision: “In the semester course of ENG 2105, Written Reasoning, the required text…”
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Principle: First sentence of Para 2 needs to elaborate more on the question you are addressing (dev).
Original: “In the semester course of ENG 2105, Written Reasoning, the required text, Everything’s an Argument, is more than just a snappy phrase.”
Revision: “In the semester course of ENG 2105, Written Reasoning, is the title of the required text, Everything’s an Argument, more than just a snappy phrase?”
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Principle: Sentence 3 of Para 2 needs to clarify what “pursuit of truth” is referring to (ref).
Original: “Arguments serve as a formality to invite contrasting minds to interpret and persuade their stance with reason and logic; it is the pursuit of truth.”
Revision: “Arguments serve as a formality to invite contrasting minds to interpret and persuade their stance with reason and logic. Specifically, an invitational argument requires a mutual exploration of ideas to understand all perspectives of an argument. Clearly, arguments are designed for the pursuit of truth.”
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Principle: Sentence 1 of Para 3 needs specification of Burke and Bourdieu’s first names (ref).
Original: “According to Burke, an American theorist, and Bourdieu, a French sociologist...”
Revision: “According to Kenneth Burke, an American theorist, and Pierre Bourdieu, a French sociologist...”
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Principle: Sentence 2 Para 3 “argument” is the wrong reference. It should be “symbolic action” (ref).
Original: “The vast concept of language mirrors the weak and strong claims of an argument.”
Revision: “The vast concept of language mirrors the weak and strong claims of symbolic action.”
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Principle: Sentence 3 Para 3 needs to specify what “ends” are (ref).
Original: “Simply, the weak claim asserts language to accomplish ends.”
Revision: “Simply, the weak claim asserts language accomplishes day-to-day tasks such as saying ‘hello’ or ‘how are you?’.”
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Principle: Sentence 2 Para 4 needs to be more cendence and refer specifically to the appeals (Wordy) (dev)
Original: “The first model, the Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric, was led by Greek philosopher, Aristotle, to educate individuals how to communicate their ideas persuasively and effectively while protecting themselves from being exploited by others.”
Revision: “The first model, the Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric, was led by Greek philosopher, Aristotle, to persuade audiences by appealing to ethos, logos, and pathos.”
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Principle: Sentence 3 Para 4 needs to coherently fit in with the Aristotelian piece. There is no clear connection (ref).
Original: “Additionally, the stasis theory was formulated by considering the stasis, or nature of the situation, to construct appropriate arguments. Similar to the Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric, the stasis theory establishes what is at stake by understanding the points of agreement and disagreement.”
Revision: “Additionally, the stasis theory is applied in the prewriting steps of Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric’s divided stasis/thesis sentence by establishing the audience, premise, and facts of the argumentative topic.”
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Principle: Last sentence Para 2 using wrong word choice for “context” (W).
Original: “...that is, whether written or spoken, visual or context, language expresses a point of view.”
Revision: “...that is, whether written or spoken, visual or textual, language expresses a point of view.”
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Principle: Last sentence Para 2 needs elaboration on “snappy” (ref).
Original: “Ultimately, the title, Everything’s an Argument, is, indeed, literal and not just snappy.”
Revision: “Ultimately, the title, Everything’s an Argument, is, indeed, literal and not just a snappy phrase.”
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Principle: Sentence 2 Para 4 needs elaboration on the Aristotelian appeals (dev)
Original: “The first model, the Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric, was led by Greek philosopher, Aristotle, to persuade audiences by appealing to ethos, logos, and pathos.”
Revision: “The first model, the Aristotelian Classical Argumentative Rhetoric, was led by Greek philosopher, Aristotle, to persuade audiences by appealing to ethos, appeal to credibility, logos, appeal to logic, and pathos, appeal to emotion.”
Unit 1
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Assignment: Lesson 2 Reading Journal - Dartmouth
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Principle: Body Sentence 2 “is concluded” is wordy (Wordy)
Original: “...is concluded with…”
Revision: “...concludes with…”
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Principle: Body Sentence 2 “whole” is vague (ref).
Original: “mental picture of the whole in a reading.”
Revision: “mental picture of the author’s purpose in a reading.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Lesson 2 Everything’s an Argument Chapters 1-3 Reading Journal
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Principle: Body Sentence 6 can be restructured. Feels awkward (awk)
Original: “Effectively weaving emotion in arguments builds bridges with readers so the writer and reader can connect at a deeper level.”
Revision: “Weaving emotion in arguments effectively will build bridges with readers to connect at a deeper level with the writer.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Lesson 2 The Little, Brown Handbook: Part III Reading Journal
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Principle: Body Sentence 4 can be restructured to flow better (awk)
Original: “ Academic disciplines students should familiarize with include MLA, Chicago, APA, and CSE in order to establish a pattern the eye can follow.”
Revision: “Students must familiarize with academic disciplines including MLA, Chicago, APA, and CSE in order to establish a pattern the eye can follow.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Homepage Auto-ethnography
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Principle: Body Sentence 4 and 5 are not coherent with your main points (coh).
Original: “As much as Trey’s college schedule is demanding, he always manages to find the time to satisfy Gidget. Every time Trey earns a break, he would devote that time tending to Gidget by feeding, grooming, or playing with her.”
Revision: “As much as Trey’s college schedule is demanding, he would always express his altruism by devoting time feeding, grooming, or playing with Gidget whenever he earns a break.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 6 “complacent” is wrong word choice (W).
Original: “Gidget knows the altruistic Trey will even sacrifice work time to make sure she is complacent.”
Revision: “Gidget knows the altruistic Trey will even sacrifice work time to make sure she is satisfied.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 7 includes awkward choice of words that disrupts parallelism (awk).
Original: “The tenacious Trey has never given up on the nuisances and stubborn behavior Gidget frequently emits…”
Revision: “The tenacious Trey has never given up on the stubborn behavior Gidget frequently emits…”
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Principle: Unity/Topic Sentence focuses too much on the third party, it needs to be about you (ref).
Original: “Hello there! Yours truly, Gidget, is present in the tribunal to introduce Trey Nicholas, her altruistic, tenacious, and methodical caretaker.”
Revision: “Hello there! Yours truly, Gidget, the newest addition to the Nicholas Family, would like to introduce to the tribunal, Trey Nicholas, a tenacious caretaker who is an altruistic and methodical member of the community.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 1 does not elaborate on you. Too much information on third party (ref).
Original: “Gidget, as much as she is stubborn and spoiled, ultimately knows her place in the household and is loyal to each member of the family.”
Revision: “Trey constantly reveals his caring and selfless manner when interacting with anyone on a daily basis, including yours truly.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Lab Assignment: EFL Writing Guide Folder Principles
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Principle: “Exploiting” in topic sentence is incorrect (W)
Original: The EFL Writing Guide is a perfect tool in exploiting writing mistakes brought from high school to college by using correction symbols and offering basic definitions of sentence structure.
Revision: The EFL Writing Guide is a perfect tool in preventing writing mistakes brought from high school to college by using correction symbols and offering basic definitions of sentence structure.
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Principle: Body sentence 4 " but a main clause is a clause that can stand alone as a sentence." The word "clause" is redundant (Wordy).
Original: This clause is incapable of being a complete sentence, but a main clause is a clause that can stand alone as a sentence.
Revision: This clause is incapable of being a complete sentence, but a main clause is able to stand alone as a sentence.
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Principle: Body sentence 15 is not coherent with how you have been explaining the other ideas (coh).
Original: Include transitional expressions such as, “Next,” to have clear connections between sentences.
Revision: To have clear connections between sentences, include transitional expressions such as, “Next.”
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Unit 2
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Assignment: Derek Bok Reading Journal on “Protecting Freedom of Expression at Harvard.”
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Principle: Body sentence 2 can be more concise (Wordy). Also, “one of the most” feels passive (W).
Original: “I agree with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is one of the most fundamental rights we have as Americans.”
Revision: “I agree with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is a fundamental American right.”
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Principle: Beginning of Body Sentence 4 can be condensed (Wordy)
Original: “Bok argues effectively by confirming…”
Revision: “Bok effectively confirms…”
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Principle: Unity sentence lacks headliner (dev)
Original: “In ‘Protecting Freedom of Expression at Harvard,’...
Revision: “Address concerns over freedom of speech, Derek Bok, author of ‘Protecting Freedom of Speech at Harvard,’ argues,...”
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Principle: Efface “I” in Body Sentence 2 (W)
Original: “I agree with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is a fundamental American right.”
Revision: “Yours truly agrees with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is a fundamental American right.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 2 “American” is improper reference (ref).
Original: “I agree with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is a fundamental American right.”
Revision: “Yours truly agrees with Bok’s claim because freedom of speech is a fundamental U.S. right.”
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Principle: Conclusion Sentence “a deeper hole” is vague (ref).
Original: “...Americans will only be digging themselves a deeper hole.”
Revision: “...Americans will only be inheriting Orwell’s dystopia in becoming expressionless individuals.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Reading Journal on Baldwin’s “If Black Language Isn’t a Language, Then Tell Me, What Is?”
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Principle: Body Sentence 3 “is classified” is improper verb tense (agr)
Original: “Black English dialect is classified as an official language.”
Revision: “Black English dialect classifies as an official language.”
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Editing Log:
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Assignment: Reading Journal - Bree Picower’s “Teaching Outside One’s Race”
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Principle: Conclusion is framed poorly (Wordy)
Original: “Ultimately, according to Picower, the media misrepresents the true power Ebonics has on not only students, but teachers as well since Ebonics preserves culture and respects demographic history.”
Revision: “Ultimately, according to Picower, the media misrepresents the true power Ebonics has on students and teachers as Ebonics preserves culture and respects demographic history.”
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Principle: Quote in Body Sentence 2 should use ellipses (Wordy).
Original: “‘success [seemed] to be a product precisely of her deep continuing study to expand her knowledge of her subjects, African history and culture, and the study of racism and its manifestations, her close family relationship with her students and their families and community, her uncompromising commitment to get her students to achieve at the excellence level, by any means necessary, her linkage to a network of teachers who share her sense of commitment and mission; her willingness, her keen sense of social justice and her sense of duty to save the children and to save African people, and others, from the negative fate that awaits many of them’”
Revision: “‘success [seemed] to be a product precisely of her deep continuing study to expand her knowledge of her subjects, African history and culture, and the study of racism and its manifestations,... and to save African people, and others, from the negative fate that awaits many of them’”
Unit 3
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Assignment: Lesson 8 Reading Journal Chapters 2, 13, and 24 from EAA
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Principle: Body Sentence 2 lacks a clear connection to unity sentence (ref).
Original: “EAA asserts audiences are guided to make decisions based on how an argument is emotionally conveyed as pathos builds a bridge of trust to connect the audience with the writer.”
Revision: “EAA asserts audiences are guided to make decisions based on how an argument is emotionally conveyed as pathos builds a bridge of trust to connect the audience with the writer. Therefore, pathos is essential in constructing an effective argument.”
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Principle: Body Sentence 5 lacks clear connection to unity sentence (ref).
Original: “...with the writer personally and with the ideas the writer advocates.”
Revision: “with the writer personally and with the ideas the writer advocates, thereby constructing an effective argument.”
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